TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND, I’M SORRY I PUNISH YOU FOR THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER DO TO ME

You are everything that I’ve always wanted and now that I have you I’m terrified that I’ll lose you. I’m afraid you will figure out that you are better than me.

I’m afraid that at some point you will realize I am so damaged I can’t be loved. Even though you are everything I have ever wanted, I clearly didn’t think I deserved someone like you; the evidence lies in the trail of tears I’ve wasted on men who’ve made me feel like I was nothing.

The number of times I’ve allowed myself to play second fiddle when I wanted to be a soloist. I said I wanted a man like you, but then I let men not even worthy of being mentioned in your presence strip away from me my self-esteem, to the point that I thought I needed their love to make me feel worthy.

So now I have you… this amazing human with a soul as beautiful as your smile… and deep down, I hate to admit it (even to myself), but I must think I don’t deserve you. Why else would I fight with you when I know I’m wrong?  Push you away when I want you close? And believe me, I want you close. I want it more than I can even express, so I challenge you to leave me to prove that you won’t. And I know it’s not fair to you, you’re the best thing that I have ever had and I show you that by being an irrational, difficult and all-around pain in the ass.

I’m sorry I make it so hard. I’m sorry I make you jump through hoops. I’m sorry that even though I want to… I don’t know how to trust you. I’m sorry that I don’t know how to let you love me. I have never been loved like this before – unconditionally, totally and without reservations or stipulations. I’m sorry that I’m mean when I miss you. I don’t want to be.

I wish I could explain how missing you turn into anger toward you. I think it’s because I’m mad at you for making me love you so much that being away from you physically hurts me and I lash out when things hurt.

This love that we have. The kind of love I dreamed about, but never in a million years thought I would find. It’s scarier than I imagined. It’s wonderful and beautiful and all of the things it’s supposed to be that make it seem like magic. But with it comes this fear. This fear that it will all disappear. That I will wake up and find the man of my dreams… was just that, a dream. And so I pinch you to make sure you’re real.

I test you to make sure you won’t leave me. Every day you prove that you are all of the things. Every day you find new and wonderful ways to show me that your love is mine, and mine alone. I didn’t know how broken I was until you started putting all the pieces together.

You deserve better than this. You deserve the same unconditional love and support that you give. You deserve all of the things… So if you remain patient, and keep on loving me the way you do, I will be better for you. I will find a way to overcome the wounds that you didn’t inflict to be the woman I know you see when you look at me.

Your love has opened my eyes to a future that has never looked so bright and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life showing you how much that means to me.

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