AFTER ALL THIS TIME, I STILL MISS YOU

No matter how much time passes, I still remember you.

My heart still longs for your sweet words and soft touch. All of those around me have forgotten about you. They let you out of their lives like you never existed. To them, you don’t matter anymore. I’m trying to do the same. I really am, but it’s impossible to force myself to forget someone like you.

I would choose to erase you from my life a thousand times, but sadly, there is no way. Your name is carved deeply in my heart, turning the letters of your name into fadeless scars.

People come and go, and in time, you learn to live with it, but your absence was different. Your absence took away a part of my heart and my soul. You absence changed me.

There is no other way to survive a heartbreak other than giving up on a tiny bit of your emotional self. Physically you’ll be fine, but emotionally and spiritually you’ll always be short of that one piece you’ve given to someone, and he took it away with him.

That’s the risk you have to take.

 

 

I never let go of the hope that one day, you’ll get back to me. My heart is still clutched on to yours. My eyes are still looking for yours in the crowd. Every time I sense your scent, my heart jumps a bit, and my knees weaken.

Every time, I hope you’re standing right behind me, ready to hug me and say: I’m sorry!

 

When my mind takes a break, when I stop preoccupying myself with everything around me, you sneak into my thoughts. You somehow appear as an uninvited but secretly welcome guest.

But I have no idea what you’re up to, what you’re doing, what your life looks like now. I’m not stalking you. I don’t want to know anything about your life now, but I can’t force myself not to imagine.

I don’t have the strength to find out anything about you because it would hurt too much. But I can’t shut down my mind and the curiosity that is sneakily eating me alive. When you run around my mind, I imagine where you are and what you’re doing.

And always, every minute of the day, I’m still secretly hoping you’re going to wake up and realize it was all a mistake. That you’ll come to me, look me in the eyes, and say you love me.

I wouldn’t ask you to beg, to come on your knees to bring me flowers, to be overly romantic. The only thing I would ask of you is to promise you’re never going to hurt me like that again. 

This is how I live. This is how I spend my days when you are in my thoughts. I’m imagining my life to be something else. I’m hoping someone can turn back the clock and give you another chance to choose – this time differently.

I have never let you go. I have never made peace with the fact that you’re not a part of my life anymore. To others, I’ve drawn the line and buried you in my past, but to myself, you’re still hidden somewhere in my thoughts.

I sometimes look at old photos where I keep you alive. I still dream vivid dreams of you, and I wake up in the middle of the night covered in sweat, my eyes swollen with tears, trying to burst out into a sad rhapsody of suppressed emotions.

Right there and right then, around 3 in the morning, sitting in the pitch dark surrounded by nothing except nostalgia and sadness, I wonder what would happen if everything ended differently and why it had to be this way.

I could go on with my life if I knew that our story has come to an end. But we wrote only a couple of chapters together. We never made it to the end.

How can I let go of something I feel is not over yet? How can I walk away from a story that is not finished?

I couldn’t but I had to let you go. I moved away. I found new friends. I hoped I wouldn’t think of you ever again. But it’s impossible to forget that you exist. I know that true love always finds a way to make things better. I know if two people are meant to be with each other, they will find their way back to one another.

True love never surrenders. True love doesn’t disappear in the middle of the story. It takes a break. It retreats to regain strength, so it can come back at the best moment possible.

Our true love took that break, and I ran away from it. But I never managed to run away from you. I saw a man today walking down the street. He reminded me of you, and he didn’t even look like you. One movement of his body, one gesture made me think of you.

You see, I can’t run away from you. I can’t forget you.

I wanted you to know who I became in the end. I secretly hoped you fight with forcing yourself to forget me. I hoped you were curious who I became and what I do. I hoped you felt the same as I did.

And one day, I saw your name on my phone. I heard the buzz which brought back all the hope and destroyed the thoughts of forgetting about you and letting you go.

It was one simple hello, but one huge hello. It was the first word of the new chapter, right where we left off.

It was the moment when true love came back from its break to finish what it had started.

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